There are some right Arseholes about – 200 weeks

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First published Thursday February 1st 2007:

There are some right Arseholes about

There are some people who, just before they open their mouth, you know are going to seriously wind you up. It’s the expression on their face, the way they walk towards you, you just know they’re going to be grief.

So you’re in the town somewhere trying to put a containment on a group of streets with other colleagues. The dog handler is out trying to find a track and the force chopper is circling overhead using its heat-seeking camera to try and locate the guy who’s just attacked a lass in an alleyway not 15 minutes ago.

You know it’s going to happen, it usually does when the helicopter is out. Someone rings up to complain about the noise. Occasionally they actually have the bottle to come out and complain face to face.

So you’re watching 3 streets in case matey-boy runs across one of them, listening for movement, noises, dogs barking, and signs that someone has disturbed someone or something. You hear a door slam and look round to see some arse storming towards you in a coat, bare legs and shoes not laced up.

“Do you really need that thing, people are trying to sleep here?”

You ignore it and turn back but he just keeps coming, oblivious that you are trying to do your job.

“Excuse me, I’ve got to be up at 7am, isn’t it illegal for that thing to fly 50 feet above the houses?”

“It probably is but that helicopter is not 50 feet above your house it’s a thousand feet or more.”

“Well it’s just not good enough, disturbing the whole neighbourhood like this.”

And then they put in the one-liner which they think will actually make a difference. It can vary but is usually someone or some position they think is very important and thus deserving of selective treatment over and above anyone else.

“I’m a solicitor.”

Lots of thoughts run through your mind, most of them will get you into trouble if you say them.

“Well then when we catch the bastard who’s just tried to rape a girl who might have been your daughter, we’ll give you a call and you can some and defend him.”

“I don’t like your attitude, the chief constable will be hearing about this.”

“Good, now fuck off.”