Chunky Monkey – Disgruntled

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First published Friday 2nd February 2007:

Chunky Monkey

Fat face and I were crewed up a couple of days ago. The Sergeant smirked at me when he did this, not only was he aware I wasn’t entirely convinced of Fat Face’s abilities but the repugnant nature of the chunky one’s demeanour was something that repulsed me. When it was announced I would have to spend the entire shift with it my professionalism took over, although eye contact with Fat Face became slightly more difficult. My feelings struck from my features in disbelief.

Briefing over and I mooch over to a terminal, how the fuck am I going to get through the next few hours with it sitting next to me. I flick through the jobs on the queue… “Crap, crap, oooohh… that’s even worse”. Eventually I find a misper job with a 17 year old who has gone clubbing against his carer’s wishes. Right that’s easy, form, minimal enquiries with the usual numbers and then circulation – easy.

Fat Face wanders up, “When we going out? Let’s fight crime!” OK, it’s 2300 on a Tuesday, it’s raining and the only person I saw as I drove in was a milkman. “Yes, lets” I said reluctantly, “Let’s make a difference”.

Fat Face wanders off and I see my opportunity. I sneak from my terminal, grab a set of keys and off to the backyard. Freedom, maybe I can even get through tonight.

“Unit please, for an immediate response to an informant chasing a male who has his car radio”. Jesus, and I am the only unit available. I turn to see Fat Face running out the back door towards me, “Coming coming”. Sigh….

Cold car, fogged up, lights, sirens, cars not pulling out the way, split the traffic, arrive, area search and frankly not a sausage about.

Fat Face leaps out the car and engages with the informant. Name, DOB, address, location, all the usual. I peer at the broken window of the car, the object that broke it clearly visible, a stone, and the rough plastic which the suspects may have made contact with. “In all honesty I would be surprised if forensics could get any prints off of that surface, I don’t think it would hold”. Fat Face turns to me in front of the victim “Of course they could”. I stand up, puzzled “The surface isn’t smooth, it would be an outside chance, I’m being realistic” and I turn to the victim who is standing in front of us nodding to me. “No, I’m sure they could”.

My face turns to a blank and I’m wondering who the fuck Fat Face thinks they are. I bet the victim is really impressed with two officers effectively contradicting each other. I also bet that Fat Face with their literally weeks of experience would not know better than me with a number of years in. I coax the victim back into his house and let Fat Face take details, they are the unrealistic one, may as well let them take the job.

What if I just drove off and left them here, what if I were to say I saw someone running into the woods and let them run off with me sitting in the warm car. Damn, I’m turning into a vindictive so and so… but it feels good.

Fat Face eventually finishes the details after what seems a lifetime and I wander out to the car. I turn to them and say “Well after that I need a drink”. “Yeah I need a coffee too”.

That’s not what I was thinking of….

More stories to come as I recall them from my twisted, bitter mind.